Dreams

Recently I don’t know why I kept on dreaming about my ex. It’s not because I kept on thinking about her or had not moved on but since after Sportify, I started to dream about her. The first week, I kept on dreaming about all the quarrels we had, all the hurtful words she said to me and all the little things she did that made me feel upset (she's a great person, just that... Having a relationship is crazy). That whole week, I felt like I was in a dark place room, alone. I felt insecure about myself. I started to get affected by whatever she said.

For example... She said that

She wants a tall guy, but I’m short. (171cm)

She wants a guy that reads books and discusses books. (I don’t read books at all except for Steven Furtick’s books)

She wants a guy that is pretty serious kind. (Hey, look at me, I'm a freaking joker whenever I was with my friends)

The list goes on and on…

I began to think that I am nobody, I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. And the doubts and loneliness just kept on going and going…

Following week, I started to dream about all the good times we had, her smile, her laugher, the moment she initiated to hold my hands and all the hugs she gave me… the dreams were so real. And when I woke up and I realized that I'm actually alone, my mind started to fill with negative thoughts. This kept on going until the 3rd of July and I reached my breaking point. I went to church for Emerge and couldn’t feel anything at all. I decided to talk to Gerald and just broke down in front of him.  As I was crying out to him, I was somehow crying out to God to heal me and take away all the thoughts. However, the dreams kept on coming even this morning.

I just kept on asking God; explain to me why am I going through this. I felt him speaking to me, that it’s the devil trying to create negative thoughts in my mind and  I must not give in to the devil as the devil knows that if he doesn’t destroy me, I will do great things for God.

Well, this post is not about how bad was my ex. In fact, I thanked God for everything in the past. It’s just that everyone has inner struggles and my struggles are self-doubt, insecure, sensitive and many more (I think). However, through my negative thoughts and struggles, I will surrender to Him more and know that I am going to do great things for Him in future.