Life after Red Beret

Things are quite different now…

It had been 1 year and 2 months in the army and within this time frame, so many things have changed.

Do I still love God? Of course I do. Do I want to be in His presence? Of course I do and each time I worship Him, I just feel His love.

No doubt I know that I have changed into someone that just isn’t the guy before entering into the army. I know that I had not been accountable with my leaders and I just pretty closed up with my life currently (but I am slowly opening my heart once again). Sometimes, I just don’t feel like going to church or cell group meeting, it’s not that I don’t care about God, but I just want to really rest and be alone. And somehow I find it hard to tell people that I just want to rest. It is not that people doesn’t understand me. Im grateful that there are many people that understand when I want to rest or just want to be alone and I just do not know why I just keep doing this to myself; telling myself that I should walk this path alone. I thought I could do it at first but somehow after sometime, I just let the third voice took over my head and just feel so depressed. I still can remember that feeling of just feeling depressed and putting on a fake smile whenever I am in church. I remember one year ago, this guy prayed for me and said that I will walk through a storm for 2 years and after 2 years, which is after NS, I will do great things for Him. I doubted it, not that person but myself throughout this 1 year and 2 months.

1) I doubted myself whether I could survive BMT
2) I doubted myself whether I still could have the anointing to pray for people
3) I doubted myself whether I could be a commando
4) I doubted myself whether I could be the salt and light in NS
5) I doubted myself whether I still could play the guitar for cell group meetings
6) I doubted myself so many times whether I could be a leader for the next generation

However, as I look back, I can say that God is with me throughout this journey.

I went through almost 1 year of hell before getting the red beret, and there were so many things I somehow overcome which I didn’t see myself doing it before I enlisted. Jumping out from an airplane, outfield after outfield, away from home for 3 weeks in Brunei and 72km route march. All these examples, I felt His presence through my suffering. And even though, majority of Christians are always sharing testimony of them being an officer or like sergeants etc… and I am just a corporal, God always tell me that I am a corporal for a reason, to stand out from all of them not because of any negative things but because I am Christian that they are comfortable to be with.

Currently, during cell group meetings, I always hesitate to pray for people. However, God said no, I have to do it. Well.... I just do it and amazingly, I can totally feel Him beside me and using me to speak to His people. I do not know why or how, I'm able to feel the pain and the suffering that the person is going through and sometimes I would break down while praying for some people. In addition, there were so many encounters from Him when I play the guitar.

Though I know I had sin in some ways during this period, im not afraid to hide it. There were nights that I went overboard with alcohol intake… there were nights that I went clubbing and did not tell anyone... There were some days that I just swear… there were some days I just totally didn’t pray. Through all these mistakes, it just keeps on reminding me that I am just an imperfect guy that really needs God. Well, whenever I need Him, His there. Thank you God.

A noted to myself after completing 60% of this NS journey: I need to stop doubting myself. Slowly open up again like last time. Fix all the relationships and just slowly get back on my feet. For now, just keep on fighting the fight for the remaining 40%.

Step by step knowing that you are with me throughout this journey

song writing #1

its time to let go
even it takes very slow
i know theres no more hello
and its time me to grow

i hope youre happy
& ill never forget
how you make me sweat
when i look into your eyes
the first time we met

after so long
i still try to be strong
not that i cant get over you
but i just somehow let
the memories run through


to be continued...

Cheap trick

I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I'd love you to love me
I'm begging you to beg me

Didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you crying?
Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you crying?
Feeling all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dying 
Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you crying?

Squad

I just love spending time with my secondary friends. All of us went through hell lot of things together... And I will never forget all the stupid things we do together. Whenever I'm with them... I can let down my hair(still botak) and just do super random things and all of us will just laugh out loud.

Here's a mini rap to my beautiful friend, Tsz Ho, created by me within 5mins:

 

I like your manboobs and I cannot lie 

When I touch your butt I get high

All of my life I'm looking for a guy 

That can hold me super super tight 

I won't let you out of my sight 

Even when the ocean is on high tide 

2016

Happy new year everybody

For you

"Tenerife Sea by Ed Sheeran"

You look so wonderful in your dress

I love your hair like that

The way it falls on the side of your neck

Down your shoulders and back

We are surrounded by all of these lies

And people who talk too much

You got the kind of look in your eyes

As if no one knows anything but us

Should this be the last thing I see

I want you to know it's enough for me

'Cause all that you are is all that I'll ever need

I'm so in love, so in love

So in love, so in love

You look so beautiful in this light

Your silhouette over me

The way it brings out the blue in your eyes

Is the Tenerife Sea

And all of the voices surrounding us here

They just fade out when you take a breath

Just say the word and I will disappear

Into the wilderness

Should this be the last thing I see

I want you to know it's enough for me

'Cause all that you are is all that I'll ever need

I'm so in love, so in love

So in love, so in love

Lumière, darling

Lumière over me

Should this be the last thing I see

I want you to know it's enough for me

'Cause all that you are is all that I'll ever need

I'm so in love, so in love

So in love, love, love, love,

So in love

You look so wonderful in your dress

I love your hair like that

And in a moment I knew you, Beth

Coxswain!

Finally... 3 weeks of boatman course is now over. No more wet boots, sandy uniform, carrying all the heavy boats, sunburnt, abrasion and many more! However, I'm gonna miss this 3 weeks too... I'm gonna miss the view on the ocean, the clouds, the wind when my boat is going full speed and definitely gonna miss handling the boat. 

Next.. Battalion life, it's a tough road, but I know I can do through Him :) 

Meanwhile, I'm currently listening to Daniela Andrade's music. She's just amazing haha 

Late Night Inspiration

Finally, second week of boatman course is over now. I got sunburn pretty badly. However, my mom went overseas and I'm all alone at home. I decided to pick up my guitar and play four chords, and wrote down whatever came into my mind and make it into a song(somehow). It had been a long long time since I did this! Well, time to get some rest now :) 

On My Mind

"its too bad that we have to part

however, you took my heart

months after months i keep on dreaming

that one day you come back running

into my arms

into my arms

i know that you had move on

and we are not on talking terms

but i hope that one day we are

able to let bygones be bygones

and i shall move on

and i shall move on

ill never forget all the time we spent

your strong vanilla scent

how you laughed at my pronunciation

and of course, all the frustration

we went through

we went through

honestly, you had taught me a lot

trust me, i went through a lot of thoughts

and i will use all these to improve myself

before i find somebody else

thank you for that

thank you for that

never let any guy bully you

because i know you are strong

after knowing you for so long

you are like neil armstrong(oops)

never forget that

never forget that"

Current thoughts

“As a deer longs for a stream of cool water, so I long for you, O God. I thirst for you, the living God. When can I go and worship in your presence? Day and night I cry, and tears are my only food; all the time my enemies ask me, “Where is your God?” My heart breaks when I remember the past, when I went with the crowds to the house of God and led them as they walked along, a happy crowd, singing and shouting praise to God. Why am I so sad? Why am I so troubled? I will put my hope in God, and once again I will praise him, my savior and my God. Here in exile my heart is breaking, and so I turn my thoughts to him. He has sent waves of sorrow over my soul; chaos roars at me like a flood, like waterfalls thundering down to the Jordan from Mount Hermon and Mount Mizar.

May the Lord show his constant love during the day, so that I may have a song at night, a prayer to the God of my life. To God, my defender, I say, “Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go on suffering from the cruelty of my enemies?” I am crushed by their insults, as they keep on asking me, “Where is your God?” Why am I so sad? Why am I so troubled? I will put my hope in God, and once again I will praise him, my savior and my God.”

Psalm 42:1-11 

“Does this sound as if I am trying to win human approval? No indeed! What I want is God's approval! Am I trying to be popular with people? If I were still trying to do so, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

Galatians 1:10

My praise breaks chains

“Upon receiving this order, the jailer threw them into the inner cell and fastened their feet between heavy blocks of wood. About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them. Suddenly there was a violent earthquake, which shook the prison to its foundations. At once all the doors opened, and the chains fell off all the prisoners.”

Acts 16:24-26

Decided to listen to Steven furtick's sermon and what I took away was my praise breaks chains.

If I was Paul or Silas, I would have give up as I would feel forgotten. They were preaching and spreading the gospel and yet they were thrown to jail. However, they did not let their current situation to destroy them. Though their feet were between heavy blocks of wood and their bodies were full of scars, they lift up their hands and praise God. And because of their praise, their chains were broken. Likewise, I'm not gonna let my chains destroy my praise but I'm gonna continue to shout His praise even when it hurts. Time is all I need. Time will show. And when I look back, it's all worth it.

Picking up myself

So... Second day of airborne course! Tired? Of course! However, I'm just glad that I'm able to have this opportunity to go through this course. There are other regulars from other units joined us but they have to go through selection if I'm not wrong. Therefore, I'm thankful. 

“I have told you this so that you will have peace by being united to me. The world will make you suffer. But be brave! I have defeated the world!”

John 16:33

Today, the verse of day is John 16:33. I was feeling discouraged because of some personal struggle... And as I scrolled through my notifications, I saw this verse. It spoke to me a lot as I'm reminded that as long as I stay close to God, nothing can break me down. I will be brave. I will continue to praise Him not matter what as He have defeated the world. 

Just feel so much better after blogging this out. Well, I'm single now and I do not have anymore to text... And I'm extrovert! Therefore, blogging really helps me... Right now, before I sleep, Im using my phone to blog while I'm in camp, so pardon me for my bad grammar. 

Missing it but waiting for it

Advance demolition course is gonna end this week and basic airborne course is gonna start next week. Everything seem so different now. I do not know how to describe... I'm doing good, don't worry. I have a lot of things to be thankful for! It just that I would rather keep everything to myself now and communicate to God only. Army life.... Makes me miss a number things I used to have/do...

1. Doing my quiet time whenever I want

2. Listen to Steven furtick's sermons 

3. Playing guitar almost everyday 

4. Spending my time with someone I love

5. Having someone

6. Jogging in midnight 

I'm sure there's a reason for me to be in this season. I believe that one day I'm able to serve Him and spread His words. On top of that, I believe I will find a girl that will be a huge blessing in my life. Not in hurry though... As I think I need to be alone for awhile and just grow in Him.

“So do not worry about tomorrow; it will have enough worries of its own. There is no need to add to the troubles each day brings.”

Matthew 6:34

Army

Yes... This journey may be tough but I really believe once I get that red beret, I will be a different man... A stronger man. 

Don't stop me

Reminder

Your love is higher

Than the skies up above

Your love is wider

Than what I can dream of

Your love is deeper

It’s the greatest of all

Constantly reminding myself.. How great is He. 

I'm finally letting go

I'm finally letting go, I'm finally letting go
Hands in the air
Let Your love take over
I need a miracle, I need a miracle
Down on my knees, Jesus I surrender

Pain

    God, these few days I just do not know why I feel like crappy. There are certain thoughts in my mind… that I just doesn’t really want to share because I don’t really know if anyone will understand me. Sometimes I don’t even know what I’m thinking. Nonetheless, I will still praise You. Though I may be going through a season of darkness, I will still praise You.

I’m hurt and in pain;

Give me space for healing, and mountain air.

Let me shout God’s name with a praising song,
Let me tell his greatness in a prayer of thanks.

For God, this is better than oxen on the altar,
Far better than blue-ribbon bulls.

The poor in spirit see and are glad—
Oh, you God-seekers, take heart!

(Psalm 69:29-32)