Things are quite different now…
It had been 1 year and 2 months in the army and within this time frame, so many things have changed.
Do I still love God? Of course I do. Do I want to be in His presence? Of course I do and each time I worship Him, I just feel His love.
No doubt I know that I have changed into someone that just isn’t the guy before entering into the army. I know that I had not been accountable with my leaders and I just pretty closed up with my life currently (but I am slowly opening my heart once again). Sometimes, I just don’t feel like going to church or cell group meeting, it’s not that I don’t care about God, but I just want to really rest and be alone. And somehow I find it hard to tell people that I just want to rest. It is not that people doesn’t understand me. Im grateful that there are many people that understand when I want to rest or just want to be alone and I just do not know why I just keep doing this to myself; telling myself that I should walk this path alone. I thought I could do it at first but somehow after sometime, I just let the third voice took over my head and just feel so depressed. I still can remember that feeling of just feeling depressed and putting on a fake smile whenever I am in church. I remember one year ago, this guy prayed for me and said that I will walk through a storm for 2 years and after 2 years, which is after NS, I will do great things for Him. I doubted it, not that person but myself throughout this 1 year and 2 months.
1) I doubted myself whether I could survive BMT
2) I doubted myself whether I still could have the anointing to pray for people
3) I doubted myself whether I could be a commando
4) I doubted myself whether I could be the salt and light in NS
5) I doubted myself whether I still could play the guitar for cell group meetings
6) I doubted myself so many times whether I could be a leader for the next generation
However, as I look back, I can say that God is with me throughout this journey.
I went through almost 1 year of hell before getting the red beret, and there were so many things I somehow overcome which I didn’t see myself doing it before I enlisted. Jumping out from an airplane, outfield after outfield, away from home for 3 weeks in Brunei and 72km route march. All these examples, I felt His presence through my suffering. And even though, majority of Christians are always sharing testimony of them being an officer or like sergeants etc… and I am just a corporal, God always tell me that I am a corporal for a reason, to stand out from all of them not because of any negative things but because I am Christian that they are comfortable to be with.
Currently, during cell group meetings, I always hesitate to pray for people. However, God said no, I have to do it. Well.... I just do it and amazingly, I can totally feel Him beside me and using me to speak to His people. I do not know why or how, I'm able to feel the pain and the suffering that the person is going through and sometimes I would break down while praying for some people. In addition, there were so many encounters from Him when I play the guitar.
Though I know I had sin in some ways during this period, im not afraid to hide it. There were nights that I went overboard with alcohol intake… there were nights that I went clubbing and did not tell anyone... There were some days that I just swear… there were some days I just totally didn’t pray. Through all these mistakes, it just keeps on reminding me that I am just an imperfect guy that really needs God. Well, whenever I need Him, His there. Thank you God.
A noted to myself after completing 60% of this NS journey: I need to stop doubting myself. Slowly open up again like last time. Fix all the relationships and just slowly get back on my feet. For now, just keep on fighting the fight for the remaining 40%.
